Author: Margaret Brown, aka Andromeda Valentine
Pairing: Beka/Dylan, Rommie/Dylan, Beka/Rommie, eventually Beka/Rommie/Dylan
Archive: Yes to list archives, all others please ask first
Feedback: Yes, please!
E-mail address for feedback: firstname.lastname@example.org
Other Websites: Crimson Redd
Disclaimer: Roddenberry’s, not mine. I just borrowed ‘em for a bit is all.
Pairing: Beka/Dylan, hints of Rommie/Dylan
Rating: PG/PG-13 for a slight bit of cursing
Status: Complete; part one of a trilogy
Summary/Notes/Warnings: Beka’s POV as she ponders the state of her current... unusual relationship with Dylan. And many belated thanks to Eiluned and Kevin for beta-ing this for me - and liking it. (You two can beat me with a wet noodle later for forgetting to put this in here the first time 'round.)
"Between birth and death lies desire,
Desire for life, for love, for everything good.
And this is the source of all suffering."
Outcast Consensus 17, Why Existence?
It all started innocently enough, I think - a friendly gesture of comfort from First Officer to Captain leading to something entirely unexpected. I wrote it off the next morning as a fluke - a moment of weakness on Dylan’s part, a need for reassurance as he waited to hear if she would live or die after our latest fight. I mean, we all knew how he felt about her. Hell, we even considered talking him into going after her at times...
Her? God, am I so angry at them both already that I can’t even say her name? Rommie. Andromeda. Rommie... I think it’s best if I pretend not to even notice the twisting in my stomach whenever I think of her these days. None of this damn mess is her fault, after all - right?
It was Dylan who came back to my quarters again. And again. And again. And it was me who let him in each time - that still lets him in whenever he shows up. Who sometimes even looks forward to his arrival...
God, Bek, twisted much?
Believe it or not, I didn’t immediately realize what was going on. I wasn’t stupid enough to think (or even want to think) Dylan had suddenly fallen for me - not after a year of him politely ignoring every advance I made - but I thought it was at least me he wanted. Despite what everyone says, sex and romance don’t always (or even often) go hand-in-hand, especially for me.
It took a while for the truth to come out, and even longer for me to accept it.
Even after he called out her name in bed one night, I let it go and said nothing. Told myself it was just normal fantasizing and actually believed it. It wasn’t as if I didn’t have my own fantasies...
Then I began to notice things were a bit... off somehow. The way his eyes followed her whenever she was in the room. The glint of desperation in his eye while he watched her. And the eerie way they were never apart for long at all, taking turns following each other around like one of Trance’s pets.
I noticed all this - and still I ignored it, even as he came to my bed more and more often.
Finally, Dylan confessed one night. Confessed in a storm of tears and self-loathing that made it impossible to hate him for using me.
Confessed to being so obsessed with Andromeda that he would do anything to break the war between his lust and his honor before the lust won out, and cried in my arms about how horrible a man that made him. Then he told me how he’d never meant to hurt anyone, least of all me, and how he’d been in hell since the night Rommie’s near-death broke him and made him finally see what he felt for her.
How the hell could I blame him for anything after that? And how the hell could I walk away from him, either?
I should have, I know, but I’ve never known a man like Dylan. He’s... good, and kind. And honorable. Nothing like the jerks I normally attract. He’s been there for me and mine when he didn’t have to be, and I owe him for that. More than that, he’s a friend - something I don’t have many of.
And it isn’t like I’m just a substitute for Rommie. He tells me as much, and I believe him. There’s a bond between us - friendship, family, whatever.
I just wish it wasn’t so hard to do this... Or that it didn’t feel so wrong somehow.
Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s a good day, and he wants me for myself. It isn’t love, even then, but there’s affection and the absence of guilt in those moments. Those are the days I remember why I let him do this to me, when anyone else would die for even trying...
And then are the bad days - he gets that tortured look in his eye again and goes eerily quiet. Once I see that look, it’s only a matter of minutes - at most hours - before he shows up at my door , looking like a condemned prisoner. I’ve learned not to even talk when he’s like that - there’s no way he can hear me through his guilt and lust anyway. I just lead him back to the bedroom and let him use me to work it out of his system. I’ve even learned not to feel anything at all when her name crosses his lips in the end the way mine never does...
I try not to even think about my bad days - the days where I have to force myself to leave my quarters because I don’t want to deal with either of them. Him with his damned guilty obsession that he won‘t face, and her with her precious childlike na´vetÚ that blinds her to what’s really happening.
Is it even fair of me to blame her for any of this?
Admit it, Bek, you do blame her. It makes it easier to keep that last shred of pride you keep trying to believe you have. And makes it easier to deal with the fact that you’re betraying her, no matter what your reasons are.
Shit, Valentine, where did all that come from? Keen personal insight and complete emotional honesty aren’t exactly your strongest suits...
It’s the truth, though - Rommie would die if she found out what‘s been going on. I’ve been the lucky recipient of that confession as well - she’s just as desperate and obsessed as Dylan is. But at least she’s smart enough to know that the rules that keep them apart are completely unfair to her. And him.
If only Dylan would see that...
Must be a good day today - I’m wondering how I can convince him that some rules are just wrong, instead of cursing him for being so spineless about it all. He could end this whole mess if he chose to - the question is whether he can’t choose, or simply won’t.
Either way, this can’t continue. I’m going to hate them both if it does, and neither of them deserves that. I won’t say Dylan is blameless here - I’m not either - but he doesn’t deserve my hatred for something he can‘t really help.
That said, how the hell do I end this? How do I convince Dylan that he belongs with Rommie? That being with her is not only possible, but desirable?
And how the hell do I keep myself from giving in next time he shows up with that look on his face?