Author's Chapter Notes:
Timeline: 1.21 - It Makes A Lovely Light
A/N: I love Beka. In almost all things, she can do no wrong. And her flash addiction was not her fault.
Disclaimer: Not mine. I play with other people's toys.
She's so much her father's daughter. The unwelcome realization hits as she experiences a pain she never could have imagined from her flash withdrawal. She's become the one thing she spent her whole life swearing she'd never be. Every nerve in her body has revolted, every fiber of her being screaming for the drug, just a little to ease the agony or a forcelance to end it completely. "Flash-Fried, Freeze-Dried" as Harper put it. He's never been one for tact and Beka's always respected him for it, but right then was when it occurred to her that she was an addict and his words won't stop ringing in her ears over and over, driving her insane. She just wants to crawl out of her skin because anything has to hurt less then this. She's always been a Valentine but only in the literal sense of the word, never like everyone expected her to turn out; not a professional grand-thief like Rafe, not a spoiled self-centered flake like her absentee mother's and not a monster like Sid who, while not caring the name or the same blood in his veins, he may as well as have been called 'Valentine'. But now, because of some determination not to be like her father by giving gifts that she just takes back, she's become exactly like him in the worst possible way, a flash addict who can't focus on anything other the how badly she needs just the smallest amount of the stimulant to let her function on the most basic level. *Oh god it hurts.*
None of them understand, either. They're all sympathetic with the 'I feel your pain' bullshit but none of them could begin to comprehend the thousands of ways she hurts all over, how each breath makes her chest burn or how just lifting her head makes her whole body feel like it will fall apart. They've all come to see her, she's pretty sure spouting some sort of 'it'll get better' crap but her head's swimming and focusing on their words is beyond her ability.
Harper hasn't been down though, and that hurts almost more then her withdrawal because she knows it's because he's scared of her. Not ashamed or repulsed; those she could take because he couldn't possibly be anymore discussed with her then she is of herself. But he's scared of her, afraid to be on the same ship she is and that is what makes it so bad. Because until now, Harper's always trusted her, even when he didn't agree with what she did and if asked, she would have said he was her closest friend. And now, because she's weak and stupid, he's afraid of her. Forget Valentine Smart and Valentine Smarter, she's Valentine Brainless for not having learned the dangers of Flash after growing up with her father. She just wants to surrender, give up and stop the unimaginable pain that searing her every cell, but then she remembers the look on Harper's face when he saw her eyes earlier. The fear and concern for her and the hurt so plainly obvious when she got angry at him. And she doesn't want that to be what he always remembers about her.
Rebecca Valentine is a survivor. She's never surrendered to anything before and she's not going to checkout gracefully now. It's not in her to just give up, give in to some drug just because her dad wasn't strong enough to fight it. She's not her father and she won't let herself to become him. She's partial to blondes, not redheads, she always keeps her promises and she'll beat this. Because she's not going to be her father's daughter anymore then she can help it and she'll do whatever she can to get Harper to trust her again.
She'll beat this. Because she's better then it. Not because she's a Valentine, but because she's Beka Valentine.
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