Author’s Note: You know those stupid, endless lists that appear in your inbox every day? Well, here they are again, but with a humorous twist.
Summary: "I believe the two of you are taking the concept of sibling rivalry to new levels." Sydney has never been more correct in his life.
List Provided By: Tiffany.
A small crowd had gathered in front of Mr. Lyle's office. They were all murmuring quietly and pushing to read something posted on the wall. Occasionally, someone would laugh quietly and another would clamp a hand over the offender's mouth, for fear of startling Mr. Lyle, who was working in his office.
Suddenly, the door beside them swung open and Mr. Lyle stood in the doorway, looking quite pissed off at the crowd.
"What. Do. You. Want?" he ground out, carefully enunciating each word. The group looked panicked as one, and began to slowly retreat. Mr. Lyle huffed angrily and grabbed the nearest person by the elbow.
The person squeaked in dismay at having been caught by Mr. Lyle and began to tremble with fear. The others all turned and tore out of there, trying to get as far away from Lyle as possible. They felt bad for their friend, but there was no way any of them would speak up to the feared Mr. Lyle.
"Why are you suddenly so interested in the area around my office?" Lyle demanded of the underling, secretly overjoyed that the little cretin was trembling with fear.
"Th-that." The underling pointed to the wall beside Lyle's office door, on which a piece of paper was tacked up. Lyle let go of the underling to investigate what it was on his wall, and the sounds of the underling running away as fast as possible echoed throughout the hall.
Lyle ripped the sheet off of the wall and began to read.
Your Daily Moment of Zen (Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass. . .then things get worse.
He chuckled despite himself and crinkled up the paper. He knew exactly who did this: Miss Parker. This means war.
He quickly went back into his office and began to plot his retaliation.
feedback welcomed at email@example.com.