Summary: Shalimars thoughts after Ashlocke playing with her mind. Mutant X all of series 2.
Disclaimer: I don’t own anything to do with Mutant X please don’t sue me.
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I can’t explain how I feel properly, not even to myself, thoughts and feelings are just running around in my head, they’re all jumbled and I am trying to sort them out.
Something was taken from me and it’s something I will never get back, I have changed and I am afraid of myself, of what I could do, of what I could do to others. I no longer trust myself.
I don’t feel in control anymore and it makes me so angry, I need to lash out at him to make him feel what I did, to make him feel the lose of control, the helplessness and the fear of not being able to take charge of your own actions but I can’t, so I take my feelings out on who ever is closest. I need to get to Ashlock I feel like I have to hurt him like he did me but every time I get close to him something happens or someone stops me.
I want to scream, to shout, I want to bash my fists against something, anything and hit it over and over again I want to collapse to the ground and just cry. I want it to be over but most of all I want the feeling of control back. Gabriel Ashlock took that from me. He raped my mind, forced me to do something I never wanted to do, never even thought of, considered.
How do I move forward? How do I get past this? He made me betray my friends; there is no other word for it. I helped him. I fought against Brennan. Would I have killed him if I had the opportunity then? Yes I would have and that scares me. Does that mean I was not strong enough to fight against him, that I am weak. I am terrified that my friends will die and it will be because of me. The fear that my friends will never truly trust me again afraid that I could be used against them over and over again. I know they don’t in my head but my heart does not seem to understand.
I hear Ashlock taunting me in my head all the time over and over again and when I go to turn it off, to stop him it seems he is just beyond my reach all the time and I can’t get to him to shut up. It is as if there is radio static that is on non-stop, but then now and again you can hear words and they are telling me that I was meant to be with him, that we should be together. Why won’t he leave me alone?
All Adam seems to want to do is cure him and what if he does he may not have the abilities anymore but he still will not have a conscience, he will still control people, he will still kill. What happens then? What will happen to me?
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