Dana Scully's apartment
Later that night
She opened the door after a few knocks. "Hey, come in." She guided Sam into the living room where they sat down.
"Would you like some coffee?" Dana asked.
"Coffee would be wonderful, thanks." Sam answered, moving to the playpen where William was playing with his toys. He babbled cheerful baby talk when she kneeled down and talked to him. He reminded her of her nephews when they were younger, with a pang of regret she realized she had hardly seen them lately. She made a mental note to give Mark a phone call when she was back home. Her eyes drifted through the room, stopping at an enlarged picture behind the playpen.
A picture of William, a few months younger, looking at the man that was holding him up, their foreheads touching, smiles adorning their faces. Faces that looked alike. It would not take a detective to figure out that this was the boy's father. The picture reflected happiness and joy, something that seemed to be gone now. Sam smiled sadly, wondering what had changed.
"Here's your coffee." Sam looked up when Dana returned to the living room, handing her a cup of coffee.
Dana looked at the picture Sam had been looking at. Their eyes met and Sam realized she had been right. She had no idea who the man was, but it was indeed William's father. "It's a beautiful picture." She commented softly.
Dana smiled. "It is, isn't it?" Her eyes went back to the picture and she said, "You know, they told me I would never have children."
"But you proved them wrong."
"Do you want children, Sam?" Dana slightly changed the subject.
Sam stared down in her cup, thinking for a moment. Then she looked up and said, "Yes, one day I would like to have them."
"You just haven't met the right person yet." It was meant to be a rhetorical question, but Sam did answer it.
"I have, but it's simply something that can never happen."
"Because?"
"Just because, did I come here to talk about my problems or yours?" Sam asked teasingly, though with a hint of sadness in her voice.
"That does not mean I'm not interested in the love life of another person."
"If there was a love life to talk about." Sam tried to change the direction their conversation was taking. She had come to talk about her friend's problems, not to discuss her own love life or lack thereof.
"Someone told me today that talking about it does help."
"Trust me talking is not going to solve this one." How come it was her own words and thoughts coming back at her, when they were supposed to talk about Dana's life?
"Is he a colleague?"
Sam's eyes widened "how did you know?" was all she said.
"Doesn't he answer your feelings or are the regulations the real problem?" Dana knew that the US air force followed the same guide lines as the FBI in this matter and Lord knew she had quite a lot of experience with these 'regulations'. She had struggled to hide her own feelings for years, because the regulations said it was not allowed for partners to be more than just partners or friends. Eventually she had come to realize that it was something that would not go away by simply telling herself it would. Their pride and stubbornness had cost them almost eight years. Years in which they could have been together, instead they had chosen to ignore their feelings and the years they could have had, had been a few short months. Short but happy, a happiness that had been interrupted by the fact that Mulder had had to go away to ensure her and William's safety.
"Our work would not allow it. Even if he would feel the same, which I sincerely doubt by the way, we would be separated. We would risk both our careers." Sam said in despair.
"Yes, but the real question is: do you want to take that risk? Would it be worth it?" Dana stood up from the couch and walked to the picture. She carefully picked it up and touched it, her fingers stroking the faces so dear to her. It had been worth the risk, even though their time together had been too short, it had been worth it. And even though they could not be together right now, one day they would be again. "Do you want to take the risk or would you rather not know?"
"Not know what?" Sam asked, already knowing the answer to her question.
"What you could have had. To know what it feels like to fall asleep, knowing he is there and won't go anywhere, at least not that night. To wake up in the safety of his arms, wishing you would not have to get up, to just stay there forever. Wouldn't you like to know what it would be like, instead of waiting, aching for something you think you can never have? Waiting until it slowly tears you apart or for someone else to come along. In the hope that that person can at least make you feel a fraction of what it felt like with him. I don't know the exact nature of the work you do, but what if something would happen to him? If you knew today he would not be there anymore tomorrow, what would you tell him? Do you really want to feel the pain when you realize you never told him you love him and you never will have the chance to do so either?"
Sam shivered at the thought. A thought that was almost too unbearable to deal with and the problem was that she knew the feelings Dana was referring to. She remembered all too well the fear and pain that had eaten her up inside when Jack had been stuck on Edora. She had not wanted to accept the fact that he might not come back, instead she had buried herself in her work. She had worked day and night to find a solution and when they had succeeded in bringing him back nothing had changed. All she remembered now were the pain and jealousy after finding out about him and Laira. After that she had buried her feelings deep inside, determined to never feel that way again.
Dana sensed she was getting through to Sam, so she continued. "Because I can assure you, you will not regret telling him. The only regret you will know is when you don't. Yes, there's a chance he won't feel the same, but the alternative is to go on like you have been doing until now and in 10 years you'll probably find yourself alone, unhappy and wondering how it could have been."
"But we can't, he's my CO for God's sake!" Sam cried out.
"Colonel O'Neill?" Dana asked, surprised at the realization she had met the man that was the subject of this conversation.
Sam nodded and groaned. "I just can't Dana, it would ruin everything. I don't even know how he feels about me and I ."
"How long have you been working together?"
Sam looked up "About 5 years, why?"
"And how well do you know him?"
"Pretty well, but ."
"In that case you can't tell me you don't know how he feels about you. If you look deep inside your heart you won't even have to ask him, because you will know already. If he loves you, you know it and the only thing keeping you from telling him are your own fears and doubts. It's not wrong to love someone, Sam. Yes, it makes you vulnerable, because you open your heart to that person and allow him to come close. Your heart is out of your own hands and that idea scares you. It probably scares him just as much, but don't let your fears interfere. Don't let regulations stop you from having what you really want. A job, no matter how important to you, will always be just that. You can find another job if you have to, but the love of your life will only come by once. Some people are not even lucky enough to find him or her. And you would be willing to give up on that?" Dana looked at her, a sadness in her eyes. But it was not the sadness of somebody who had never found that special person. Her friend had found that love, but somehow she had lost it again.
Go to Part Three.