Nobody quite knows how to handle me anymore, which is as painful as it is funny at times. It's painful having everyone look at you like they think you're going to take off their heads if they look at you wrong, but the looks of horror can be amusing when there's nothing else to laugh about.
Ever since I got my strength and started flying, it's like I'm caught somewhere between goddess and leper. It's not so much like that with the X-Men. I'm sure I'll be officially on the team soon. Scott likes me well enough, and he knows I'll be good in a fight. Jean's probably nicer to me than anyone, and thanks to that little piece of Logan in me, I've never been able to be anything but sweet to her. Storm's a good friend too, in her way. She's quiet, reserved, but whenever I need her, she's there. The Professor always seems untouchable to me, no matter how open he is. I can't help but look up to him. He projects so much calm and confidence it floors me.
The other students, though, the people my age, the ones who haven't left for a regular university because they're not safe outside these walls, they act skittish around me, like birds that see a snake curled up around their nest. Even Bobby is that way now when he comes to visit. It's my fault, I know. He was teasing me and I went to hit him on the arm really lightly, forgot I had enough strength to punch a hole through a brick wall, and ended up dislocating his shoulder. Even Jean was a little mad at me, said I should've been more careful.
Always have to be careful. Don't wanna touch anyone or joke around with anyone or do anything where I might let my guard down enough to do some damage.
I can live with all of it. I have this long. I can live without touch, without passion, without knowing what love is like. I can live without Logan if that's the way he wants it. But I don't want to. I'm tired of living without. More tired than any of them guess. They wonder why I'm not insane already, and I frankly don't know.
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I sliced off all my skin and just let it scar over. Could I touch people then, or would it just make me as ugly outside as I sometimes feel inside?
I suppose the only reason I stay sane is for everyone around me. I'm dangerous enough when I'm in control of myself. If I let myself lose it, I could kill the people I love, the people who have stood by me like my family couldn't. So I hold onto myself no matter how much I want to let go. Maybe Logan can run away from me, but I can't.
The only person I really want to be close to in all of this is Logan, and he keeps pulling back. I know it's because I keep pushing, but I can't stop. Something inside me feels like if I stop trying to make him come around, he'll leave altogether. I don't want him to go again. I don't think I could handle that at all. I'd miss him too much. More than I should.
I know he thinks I'm a kid. He sure says it enough. Sometimes it makes me so mad I'm surprised you can't see steam risin' up off of my head. And the thought of being in a room alone with me is enough to make him run screaming just about. I know why that is. I'm not as innocent as a lot of people think I am. But I'd be perfectly happy if we could at least be like we were before. I know I let my hormones take over sometimes when I get around him, and I know it just makes things that much worse, but when I get around Logan, my body takes over my brain, and I just can't help but flirt.
I wish that that was okay. I wish I could throw him down on one of those nice antique couches that are all over the place and rip off his clothes. Bet that'd scare the hell out of him. But I can't. I can't do that to anyone. Ever. And I guess Logan pulling away has something to do with that. I can see it in his eyes sometimes. I know he wants something more, and we both know we can't have it. Even thinking about anything more isn't fair to him. Not fair to me either. Damn, I wish I could just be a woman for one day instead of being Rogue.
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