Hold On: Part Four

Dedication: To Kari Jo, beta reader extraordinaire. Your help with this fic has been a lifesaver, and every writer should have such a supportive person in their corner.  There aren't enough thanks in the world. Also, to everyone who asked for a continuation of "Wake Up", and to all the people who've given me such great support through this story as well . What can I say? I'm a sucker for feedback. :)

Oh God
If you're out there, won't you hear me
I know that we've never talked before
Oh God
The man I love is leaving
Won't you take him when he comes to your door

~ "Hold On" - Sarah McLachlan ~


<Jean>

After that first horrible cry, Rogue bolts up on the examination table and wraps her arms around her knees. She starts rocking back and forth, keening low, anguished sobs into her arms. I can't bear to see her this way. I reach out toward her arm, "Rogue? Are you-"

"No!" Rogue screams. She flinches away from my hand. "Don't touch me! Leave me alone!"

I look to the Professor, hoping he knows why Rogue is reacting this way. I'm praying he has some idea of how we can help her. His eyes say that he knows why, but that there is nothing any of us can do to help right now.

I can't accept that, not when Rogue is obviously in so much pain. "Please... Rogue we want... to help."

Her head shoots up and she pins me with a glare filled with hatred and pain. Her breath is shuddering, and I don't know if it's from physical exhaustion or from rage. "I think you've all *helped* me more than I can stand for one day. Thank. You."

Her sarcasm is not at all subtle. Her eyes widen as if she's suddenly remembered something. Rogue jumps down off the examination table and rushes to Logan's bedside. Her eyes are filled with intense expectation as she stares down at his face. I open my mouth and close it without saying the words that she doesn't want to hear. There has been no change in his condition.

She realizes it herself soon enough. She reaches over and grabs a scalpel from a drawer in the instrument table. Before we can react in any way other than me screaming at her to stop and Scott stepping toward her, Rogue stabs herself in the arm deeply, pulling the razor sharp knife through her flesh.

The knife falls from her hand. The blood on the blade spatters little red droplets on the floor upon impact. Her eyes clench shut and she cries out, "No," in a long, low wail. Not because the wound didn't heal.

But because it did.

The flesh knits back together neatly, not even leaving the traces of a scar. Her eyes, no longer mournful but again enraged, turn back on us. Specifically, she stares at the Professor.

" *You* did this," she hisses. "I asked you to help me. I practically *begged* you to convince him to stay. You made him leave me!"

The Professor remains calm in the face of her wrath. He understands it, I think, because he saw everything first hand. He knows the sacrifice and the struggle Rogue went through better than anyone... except maybe the man who is still in a coma, unable to help her.

"I didn't force Logan to do anything, Rogue. I told him the truth. He needed to know everything. He had to make a choice."

"And what about *my* right to make a choice?" Her voice is deathly calm now. It's a disturbing change from her screaming just a moment ago. "Doesn't that count? And what choice did Logan really have? Did you leave him a choice, or did you just decide what was best for both of us and convince him to go along?"

"No, Rogue. I -"

"Forget it. Save it for someone who'll believe you. Just get out and leave us alone."

She pulls a chair over to the same spot as always. She sits down and stares at Logan's face. It's like she's forgotten the rest of us exist. No. She's choosing to forget.

I don't want to leave her. After that scalpel incident, I'm afraid that she might harm herself in a way that even Logan's gift won't be able to heal. The Professor gives me a calming look.

*/ She needs to be alone, Jean. She will recover from this... eventually. /*

I'm still concerned, but I follow the Professor and Scott out of the room. As I walk out the door, I look over my shoulder at the girl next to the bed. Her hair is disheveled and loose about her shoulders. The too large shirt hangs off her frame, making her appear even more fragile than she is. But it's her eyes that stay with me even after the door slides shut.

Eyes should never look that old.


<Rogue>

They're gone. Finally, they're gone. I look down at him. I can feel the empty place inside me that belonged to him. It aches. I know it always will ache. I will always feel that place inside me bleeding for him.

"Damn you, Logan. Why couldn't you listen to me? Why couldn't you believe me when I told you I was ok?"

*/ I told you, kid. You're a shitty liar. /*

I know it's a trick of my mind. I know that he's gone. But I welcome the delusion like a long lost friend.

"Why did you have to go?"

*/ You know the answer to that one. Don't play dumb with me, Marie. /*

"You don't get it, do you? I didn't care! I would have stayed that way forever if it meant having you safe."

*/ I know. But I couldn't let you sacrifice yourself for me. /*

"So you had to make the sacrifice instead? You're a male chauvinist pig sometimes, you know that?"

*/ Yeah? Well, I never claimed I went to charm school. Go talk to Scooter if you want New Age Enlightened Man. I got no interest in getting in touch with my inner child. /*

"Why should you? The outer child is more than enough."

*/ Good one, kid. Now why don't you get outta here and get some rest? /*

"I'll rest. But I'm not leaving."

I wait for the argument. It doesn't come.

Even my own delusions desert me.

I feel the tears streaming down my cheeks and wonder when they started. I can't remember and don't care. I pick up Logan's hand and lace my gloved fingers through his. I lay my head down on the thin blanket covering his chest. I can hear the steady beating of his heart below my ear. It's slow but it's there, and the rhythmic sound comforts me. My eyelids drop but the tears still flow, slowly dampening the blanket beneath my cheek..

"Please... please don't leave me..."


<Jean>

It took us almost three days to get Rogue to eat something. She refused to leave Logan's bedside. I finally got so worried about her that my temper snapped. I told her that if she kept refusing to eat, I would sedate her and hook her up to an IV.

Thankfully, Rogue didn't force the issue. I'm still not sure if I would have been able to follow through on that threat. She stared at me for a long time, then picked up a sandwich off the tray I'd placed next to her.

It took us over two weeks to convince her to leave the med bay for longer than it took her to perform the basic necessities that could not be handled in the infirmary. If it had been up to Scott, it wouldn't have taken nearly that long. He was ready to drag her out of there kicking and screaming. Scott and I don't argue much, but we had an argument about that:

"Scott, you know how the Professor wants us to handle this."

"We're not handling it at all, Jean! Logan is in a damned coma and he's *still* controlling her life!"

"That's not fair, Scott. You know that this is Rogue's choice. Do you honestly think that Logan would want it this way?"

"Not fair? What's not fair is that Rogue is barely eating, and she's only sleeping because we moved a cot close enough to him so she could rest there. She's not going to classes. She hasn't seen any of her friends since this happened. How is any of that fair? They may as well have both died that night at the Statue, because neither one of them is really living."

The argument stopped there. In a way, Scott was right, so how could I argue? Scott didn't drag her out of there. Once he calmed down a little, I managed to talk him out of it.

In the end, it was nothing dramatic that made her decide to leave. It was a simple request from Scott that did it. She seemed to have less resentment toward him than she did toward the Professor and me. I suppose it was because she couldn't find a reason to blame Scott for what she was going through. She blames the Professor for not convincing Logan to stay in her head.

She blames me because, despite all my medical training, I can't make Logan come back to her.

But she left the med bay. She started going to classes again. She ate in the cafeteria with the other students. I should have felt better. I should have been less worried. And I was, at first...

Until I noticed her coming out of Logan's room again.

She resumed her routine like she'd never left it. It scares me half to death to watch her. She smiles. She says all the right things. She laughs.

But her laugh is brittle where it used to be light. There's an emptiness to her smile now. And her eyes... It's like she's standing a few feet behind her own eyes. Like really seeing would hurt too much.

We all try to help her, but I don't think anyone can.

Not until Logan wakes up.

Go to next part.


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