Hold On: Part One

Dedication: To Diebin, whose wonderful Logan POV's inspired me. Hope I don't inadvertently steal here. And also to everyone who asked for a continuation of "Wake Up". What can I say? I'm a sucker for feedback. :)
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell
Hold on
Hold on to yourself
You know that only time will tell

~ "Hold On" - Sarah McLachlan ~


I've been in some strange-ass situations. No surprise considering I have no memory of my life before fifteen years ago when some mad scientists grafted indestructible metal to my bones. In a way, I'm drawn to strange places. I feel at home there, I guess. Never thought I'd find a situation too bizarre for me to handle without blinking an eye.

I found out how wrong I was after that night we fought Magneto. I touched her face and fell into black-as-hell darkness. I thought it was over for me. Turn out the fuckin' lights, let the fat lady on stage type of over. For the longest time, all I saw was darkness. Made me pretty sure I'd been dropped into that purgatory place the Catholics talk about. I'd never bought into that religious bullshit before, but I had to be dead, so why the hell was I still - aware?

I thought about it for who the fuck knows how long. I didn't have much else to do at the time. I had convinced myself it had to be purgatory. The black emptiness was too damn disturbing to be upstairs, and it was too calm and cool for the other place. I figured that the guys in charge must have been having one big ass quarrel over who had to take me.

That's when I saw her walking toward me in the darkness. My first thought was that I couldn't even fucking die right. She was supposed to have made it. My big noble sacrifice thrown right in the crapper next to me. Goes to show you what happens when you play against your strengths.

I tried to apologize for failing her, but she wouldn't let me talk. She said she didn't know how long she'd be able to stay and she needed to explain. She sounded so desperate for me to listen that I managed to keep my trap shut. It all came out of her in a rush, then she drifted away into the blackness.

It didn't matter that she was gone before I had a chance to speak. I couldn't have said a word if I tried. I was honest to Christ struck speechless. Somebody with a really screwed up sense of humor picked me up from that Statue and dropped me right smack in the middle of an episode of the 'Twilight Zone". I almost expected the creepy music to start on cue.

Like I said, I've been in some strange-ass situations. But this one takes the fucking cake, hands down.

I saw her again every day after that. I only know that because she told me. Time doesn't have much meaning here in limbo. I could always feel it when she was coming. It was different than when she spoke to me in the infirmary. When she came inside to visit me, I could see her and touch her, not just hear her.

I found myself getting more impatient for her to turn up. The brave girl who wanted to save me had become my only link to the world. Little by little, she became my world. Each day, I learned more about what had happened and what she had done about it. I put it together one piece at a time. I wish I could say that it was a happy, airy-fairy picture I built. Not for my sake, since I hate that crap. But for hers.

Sorry folks, it doesn't work that way.

It's damned near impossible to understand how it does work. I've never been a genius at explaining things that do make sense, let alone this whacked-out half existence I've been living. Marie did a better job explaining it than I ever could. One night in the infirmary, she asked me about it.

"Do you feel them, Logan?"

*/ Feel what? /*

"The bonds."

*/ Marie, you're being downright cryptic tonight. /*

"You know what I'm talkin' about. The bond between you and me, and the bond you have to yourself."

I really hadn't known what she meant, but when she said it, I suddenly felt what she was talking about. For a split second, I could sense the link tethering me to her. And I could feel the much weaker connection between myself and my body. It was like comparing a steel chain to a frayed rope.

*/ Marie? How did you... /*

"Know?" she said. "I know everything about you, Logan. You're a part of me now."

That made me damned uncomfortable. Some things were better left alone. My head wasn't a place I wanted Marie spending time exploring. It was a dark place, and she deserved the light.

*/ That's not what I was going to ask. How did you know how to keep me here? Did the Professor tell you? /*

She was quiet a moment, just long enough to make me very uneasy. "In a way... I guess he did... indirectly"

*/ What aren't you telling me, Marie? /*

"Magneto. I knew because of him. He and the Professor were really close friends for a long time. When this happened... I don't know, I guess somethin' the Professor told or taught Magneto transferred to me. I knew exactly how to hold on to you. So I did."

Something about what she'd said didn't sit right. It finally occurred to me what she hadn't said.

*/ Marie... Does the Professor know what you're doing for me? /*

She rushed off without answering me, tossing out an apology and saying she was late for training. That was all the answer I needed.

She hadn't told the Professor. I was willing to bet she hadn't told anyone.

The question was why.

I didn't think I was going to like the answer.

I thought about it while I waited for her to come back. I knew she would be there. She always came to me. I didn't have much to do other than think when she wasn't there. I was ready for her when she floated toward me out of the blackness. It was harder for her to hide the truth from me here. I could see her, and now that I knew how to access the bond, I could feel her too.

Her eyes were wide. She knew what I was going to ask. For a minute, I thought she was going to bolt. But she didn't. She's braver than I am, my beautiful Marie is.

I put on my sternest face and prayed that I looked determined rather than predatory. "Why haven't you told them? And don't pretend that you have or give me some bullsh- excuse. I want the truth."

Her hands fidgeted and she wouldn't look me in the eyes, but she told the truth. "I was afraid to tell them."

"Why?"

"I didn't want them to tell me to stop."

I hadn't been expecting that. A cold feeling snaked into my gut. "Why would they tell you to stop, Marie? Is this... Is it dangerous for you to keep me here?"

Those wide eyes that had seen too much looked back at me calmly. "I'm doin' what I have to do, Logan. The rest doesn't matter."

She started to fade away then. I could sense it happening as much as seeing it. I could feel the chain stretch as she faded back into the darkness. "Dammit, Marie! Come back!"

Her faint reply drifted back to me. "I can't, Logan. I don't want to go, but it's too much..."

It started to dawn on me then, what this was costing Marie. Call me thick if you want. I don't really give a shit. It took me that long to figure out this was even harder on her than I'd imagined. I wanted nothing more than to shove my fist through a wall and howl with rage. There were no walls handy, so I had to settle for a long, loud roar.

I knew it wouldn't be long before she was in the infirmary, talking to me again. I started to hate those conversations as much as I craved them. It wasn't the same as having her right in front of me, feeling her presence instead of just hearing her disembodied voice.

And then she was there. That soft, honey-sweet drawl reached out to me in the darkness. " Logan, please don't worry about me. I'm fine, really."

I struggled to keep my temper. She was putting up a brave front for me. I didn't have to be a goddamned telepath to figure that out. I knew her voice well enough now to hear the strained tone in it. I didn't need heightened senses to make the observation. Living in a vacuum with only one person connecting you to the world clears out the dead weight.

So, why didn't I notice before then how tired she sounded? I don't have the first fucking clue. But I heard it that night.

*/ How can I not worry about you when you're doing this all alone? /*

"I'm not alone. I have you. That's enough."

I was getting better at knowing what she was thinking when she was talking to me. I could hear the smile in her voice. It should have made me feel better. It didn't.

*/ It's not enough. You have to tell the Professor. We need to find out if this is dangerous- /*

"No! I'm not tellin' anyone, especially the Professor. Please don't ask me again, Logan. It's hard to say no to someone who saved your life."

I knew exactly what she was talking about. It's the reason I couldn't push her. As much as I thought I should, I just couldn't do it.

*/ You're saving my life right now, aren't you, Marie? /*

"Not really. I'm just keepin' you safe until you're stronger."

We both knew better. Whether she was just being modest or if she trying to keep me from seeing the truth, I couldn't say. But I already knew the truth. I could feel how weak the connection between me and my body was. Without Marie holding on to me, I knew it would break. She knew it too.

*/ If I promise not to ask you to tell the Professor, will you answer a question for me? /*

"All right." Her answer was nervous, hesitant.

*/ Tell me the truth, Marie. How hard is this on you? /*

She was quiet for what felt like a fucking month. I thought she was going to run like she had the night before when I asked a question she didn't want to answer. Her answer, when it finally came, was spoken with quiet resolve. "It's hard, but not the way you think. I have to concentrate to be able to come see you in my head. But holdin' you - that's not as hard. The hardest part is not knowing if I'm ever going to see you again for longer than a few seconds inside my mind."

She was evading again, but I couldn't bring myself to force the full truth from her. Not yet.

*/ What can I do, Marie? How can I help? /*

She was quiet again. I tried to be patient, but restraint was never one of my strong suits.

*/ Marie? /*

"Just get better, Logan. I'll take care of the rest."

She didn't even say goodbye that night. She just stood up and walked away without another word.

So I stewed about it for a while. I railed against fate. I basically threw a tantrum worthy of a five year old. I thought about Summers and how the dickwad would probably piss himself laughing at the image of bad ass Wolverine being protected by a girl half his size.

It was that thought that stopped my irrational fit. I'd sworn to Marie on that train that I would protect her. Bang-up job I'd done so far.

That was about to change.

I put my mind to doing what Marie had asked me to do. Instead of waiting around for her next visit in the dark, I kept myself occupied. I put all that stubbornness she kept commenting on to good use.

I worked on the fucking rope.

Whatever that thing was, I knew it was the key to setting her free. So I focused and I worked.

And I'll be damned if it didn't start making a difference.

I won't try to bullshit you. It wasn't easy and it was slow as fucking molasses in January. Like I said, I'm not long on patience. But I did make progress.

And I still had Marie.

She told me more as time went on. She told me silly stories that made me laugh in spite of myself. She talked about her training with a marked lack of enthusiasm when I asked her about it. She opened up a small window to the world for me that kept me from drowning in the darkness.

And she eventually told me what it took for her to hold on to me.

I think she knew it was pointless to try to hide it from me. Once I pulled my head out of my ass and thought about her instead of myself, I could feel her straining to hold me. I could sense the mental struggle that she went through to keep me connected to her.

It made me angry. It made me proud. It made me love her.

Sorry if that shatters any illusions, but it's the truth. A girl with ageless eyes and streaks of white in her hair did me in. I don't know if it was her bravery or her strength or her tender heart that broke through. Maybe it was all of those things. Maybe it was the fact that she'd looked inside my dark, tainted soul and still saw something in me worth risking herself to save.

Or maybe, it was just Marie.

After all this time, there's only one thing she won't tell me. She won't tell me why she holds on. When I ask, she just laughs and tells me to figure it out myself. I keep asking, even though I'm pretty damn sure I already know the answer.

Call me a selfish beast, but I want to hear her say it. I want those words to keep, just in case I'm wrong about how I think this strange-ass situation is going to end.

Because it's going to end soon.

Whether I'm ready or not, Marie's been a prisoner to saving me long enough. It's time to break the chain and let her go. No matter what happens to me, Marie will have her life back...

One way or another.

End Part One

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