Summary: Mulder's being pulled over the edge by Krycek- and he wants to go.
Rating: R for Language and context
Disclaimer: This should be totally obvious but I don't own the characters of Alex Krycek and Fox Mulder, Fox and Chris Carter do. The title and some of the inspiration for this came from the song "One Last Breath" by Creed. I also do not own the excerpt from "Lady Lazarus" the Plath estate does.
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.
I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've got a call.
From "Lady Lazarus"
I look at the man lying next to me and think, 'Oh, my God, how did I end up here with him.' It's more of a statement than an actual question. Hell, I know exactly how I got here, and why I stay. To say it was like a moth to a flame would be too simplistic and not entirely accurate. There are many things that attract us but we know to stay away. The fire is pretty but you don't stick your hand in it. Moths don't know any better-we...I do.
At first I really didn't know why. I mean, the man was, is, my mortal enemy. He killed my father and Scully's sister Melissa, he tried to kill me, Scully, Skinner...and God only know how many people he's actually succeeded in killing (beyond the ones we know about). He's cold, hardened by life, and Machiavelli may be his personal savior.
There are no cliches here. I didn't see something in him that everyone else had missed; he didn't "grow" on me; or make me fall in love with him despite myself. No, Krycek is the same son of a bitch he always was. The one thing that can't be denied is our mutual attraction. And not just in the physical sense either. As long as we have known each other (about 7 years) we have always had sufficient means, opportunity and motive to do each other in-yet, we never have. I used to wonder about that. Thinking it was my sense of justice I patted myself on the back for my amazing self-control. Now I know differently. He was and is my forbidden fruit.
Alex and I are like Adam and Eve. Like them he and I had our boundaries, that area or line that was off limits to us. Adam and Eve didn't eat the fruit to be bad or disobedient, they wanted that which they weren't allowed to have-knowledge of the darkness that lurks just outside the boundaries of the light.
We all look over the cliff and know the darkness, but some of us are closer to the edge than others. I've been to the edge, I've even dangled my foot teasingly over the side, but I always came back to stand a few feet away from it. Krycek, on the other hand, stands calmly at the edge and looks at you with that cold smile that both entices and frightens before he jumps into the abyss. At that point I'm at a safe distance. But, don't you know it, I have got to move closer. Something inside me pulls me to the edge to look over into the heart of darkness and see what's down there. As I steadily look down into the blackness I hear it call my name, and then something grabs my foot.....without looking down I know it's Alex. I could pull away if I wanted to but either I can't or don't want to. It doesn't really matter which.
And that's how I, we, got here-in this bed. With his penis as the chisel and my ass his tablet he carves my fate in stone. When he comes inside me it's molten sin he shoots through me that burns away my soul from the inside out. I should care but I don't-fuck my soul. That dark blackness he fills me with is like water to a dying man: I can't get enough-and oh, baby I don't wanna even try. He can fill me up until I spill over.
There are no regrets, no apologies and no salvations for us. Just like Adam and Eve we had a choice between staying in the light and knowing the darkness, we, like them, chose to know the darkness. We embrace it knowing that it will eventually destroy us. Something can only burn so long before it's completely consumed by the flames.
Maybe there is something wrong with me, with all of us, I am supposed to want the light-the good; but I don't. We say we want the good but deep down inside where the Adam and Eve inside all of us live we desire, lust, ache...for the darkness. Hell, I guess you could say we've all got a call. And I answered mine.