It had been a tough week for both of them, both physically and emotionally. For starters, they had been held to work against their unknowing will. Their memories had been erased. They didn't know who they were or where they came from. After a while, they started discovering bits and pieces of their real lives. But the feelings had always been there. Even erasing their entire memories hadn't changed the fact there were strong feelings between them. They were emotionally bonded. Linked together in all their lives. Married in an alternate universe, engaged in another alternate universe. But in the universe they wanted to be together, they couldn't. They had been together has Jonah and Terra, but they couldn't be as Sam and Jack. Regulations and the US Air Force stood in their way. The chain of command was standing as a wall between them. A wall neither of them was willing to take down; At least not just yet.
She couldn't sleep. She was tossing and turning. She had even tried counting sheep. Nothing helped, all she could think about was Jonah. She missed him. She missed their complicity and them being together. She missed being held by him and the light banter. What she probably missed was the fact that they were allowed to be together. The only thing she wanted was to go back to the way they were. She had enjoyed Jonah's company more than anything. They had spent most of their free time talking. They had grown very close and started depending on each other. And they had discovered that were Colonel and Major and that everything was against them. And that was it. It had been a shock to both of them, but they had easily slipped back into their respective roles. And it had been hard on both of them. It had cost Sam a lot of heartache and the result was simple: she couldn't sleep. She kept thinking and hoping, and despite the fact that she was worn out, her eyes wouldn't close.
A walk around the base would do her good. At least that's what she thought. She slipped out of bed and left her bed to wander around the corridors of the SGC. She didn't know where she was going, but she ended up outside the Gate room, not having ran into someone at this late hour. She opened the door, the gate room being lit by a few lights hanging on the walls. She walked to the ramp and sat down. She put her elbows on her knees and laid her chin in her hands. She just sat there and stared in front of her.
Ten minutes later, she was still sitting in the same position. She moved her hand to her neck and started rubbing her stiff shoulders. The hard labour on P3R118 and her tiredness were taking its toll. She was stressed out and the muscles in her back, neck and shoulders were screaming for attention. A good massage would be wonderful, but it would only take away the pain temporarily. What she really wanted was the pain to go away forever. Not the physical pain, no that she could handle. But it was the emotional pain. It was hard to be around someone you cared for deeply day and night, but that you couldn't approach in any other way than professionally. And she was aching both in her heart and her soul. She was aching day and night. Whatever she tried, it didn't work. She was in too deep. For all that they could be, for all that they wanted to be. She was longing for that one forbidden touch, that one tender gesture, that one look. That one emotional gesture that would make all her walls crumble. She had to watch every movement and gesture when being around him. She had to hold back and it was slowly killing her inside.
Sam sometimes wondered how it was for him. Did he feel the same she did? Was he silently suffering while being eaten inside? How did he handle the Jonah and Terra adventure? Maybe his year in Black Ops were and advantage, or maybe he was hurting as much as she was. She didn't know and it didn't show on Jack's face. He was very good at hiding his feelings and his inner thoughts.
Sam pulled her knees against her chest and put her arms around them. She laid her head on her knees and fought back tears. She had felt them coming for some time now, just after the Zatarc adventure, but it still came as a surprise when she felt moisture on her knees. She hated being weak and she hated crying, but everything was coming down on her like a brick wall: The turmoil she had been feeling for years. All the hard work and not enough sleep, rarely rewarded with personal success. Of course, she couldn't complain on a professional level: She was a US Air Force Major. She was part of the most successful team in the SGC. But that wasn't enough, not anymore. She wanted more, but on a personal level. But she couldn't allow that feeling to come to the surface.
She didn't hear the door opening. She was silently crying; her head buried deep in her knees. She wasn't sobbing or anything, but he still knew she was weeping. He knew, because he felt the same. And it seemed so unfair to both of them.
He gently laid his hand on her back and she looked up at him. She didn't seem surprised to see him. And he hadn't been surprised to see her here either. Her eyes were red and puffed, but she didn't try to hide it. She didn't want to try and hide her feeling for him. For the first time since they met, she let him in. Which only made him realize how must she was hurting.
"Are you okay, Carter?"
"I'm fine, Sir."
"Yeah... Neither am I."
She smiled at him, her special Jack O'Neill smile. Touching him where only she could touch him: his heart. She opened her mouth to speak, but Jack laid his finger on her lips.
"Don't, Carter."
"Don't what, Sir?"
"Whatever it is that you were going to say, don't say it. It'll only make things worse."
"I was about to say that you look as bad as I feel."
"Oh, okay. I can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning, I've been..."
"I know Sir, I can't sleep either. And believe me, counting sheep doesn't help either."
"I just can't seem to stop thinking."
"I know. Neither can I..."
"We were pretty comfortable, weren't we?"
"Yes, Sir."
"I guess we should be thankful that we got our memories back in time."
"Before things went any further. I know, Sir."
"It would have been much harder to stop. It's already hard enough."
"It's like hell. I just wanna..."
"Carter, I want the same thing. But we can't."
"No we can't, Sir."
The both slipped into an uncomfortable silence, staring at the wall, which suddenly seemed very interesting. Sam was the first to break the silence by coughing and moving one of her hands to her stiff shoulders. Jack noticed and pulled her hand away.
"Let me, Carter."
He sank down behind her and laid both his hands on her shoulders. She sighed.
"Do you think that a good idea, Sir?"
"No, I don't. Do you mind?"
He started pulling his hands away, but she turned her head and looked him straight in the eyes.
"I don't, Sir."
"Good, because I was once told that I give incredible backrubs."
"I believe you."
Jack started his tender ministrations on her sour and stiff shoulders. Sam leaned back into his touch. It felt good to be touched like that by him. It wasn't what she dreamed off, but it was better than nothing. Sam closed her eyes and felt the pain subsiding. He had magic fingers and she enjoyed the sensation of feeling them dig into her sour flesh.
"Feeling better already, Carter?"
"Much better, Sir. You do indeed have magical fingers."
"Wanna borrow them?"
"Yes please."
They grinned at each other and Sam started feeling better. The light banter and jokes did the trick and made the pain go away just a little. They sat in silence, enjoying each other's company. A moment later, the door opened and General Hammond walked in. He nodded at them.
"Going home, Sir."
"No Colonel, I just came in. Question is; what are you two doing here at this hour? Got up early or stayed up late?"
"Um, I guess we didn't realize it was this late already. Or early, whatever you want to call it. We were just sitting and talking."
"I can see that and I somehow knew I'd find you in here. But my real question was, what are you doing to Major Carter?"
"Sir?!"
Jack shook his head in confusion and looked straight at the General. He waved his arm and Jack's hands. They were still resting on Sam's shoulders. They just grinned at General Hammond, looking like a couple of kids being caught with their hands in a jar of cookies.
"Oh that. Well Sir, there's a simple explanation."
"I'm sure there is Colonel. With you, there's a simple explanation for everything."
"Of course, Sir. Major Carter had a stiff neck and I thought..."
"And you thought you'd give her a massage to ease the pain."
"Well yes, Sir."
"We do have an infirmary for that, Colonel. I'm sure Doctor Fraisier has something for the pain."
"No doubt about that, Sir. But this was much more fun."
"Cut the jokes, Jack. What is really going on here?"
"Um... nothing, General."
"Good. Why don't you two go to the doc now?"
"Yes Sir."
Sam got up and waited for Jack to join her. He waved her away with his hand.
"General, did you order me to the infirmary too?"
"Yes and ask something for your brain, cause it seems screwed up."
"What do you mean?"
"Jack, do you need a picture? You and Major Carter fraternizing."
"That's not fraternizing, Sir."
"Maybe not to the both of you, but to an outstander it would be called 'caught in a compromising situation'."
"Oh, that. I didn't realize, Sir."
"I know, Colonel, and that's why I want to two of you in my office as soon as you come back from the infirmary."
"Yes, Sir."
Jack saluted and left the gate room. A small smile played around the General's lips. He picked up the phone.
"Doctor Fraisier, let's start Operation Blue Lagoon."
At the same time, Jack caught up with Sam in front of the elevator. At hearing footsteps, she turned around and smiled.
"Did you get lectured, Sir?"
"You sure, you betcha."
He slipped back into the role of the sarcastic Colonel. It was the easiest way to hide how he really felt. It made him forget all the troubled feelings he had for his 2IC. It was hurting him to see the person you wanted to be with every day of your life, unable to touch her.
The chiming of the door pulled him out of his thoughts. He followed her inside and the doors closed behind them. He was leaning against the opposite wall, trying to stay as far as he could from her. He was watching her intently, but she was avoiding his gaze. The floor seemed much more interesting. Jack sighed and walked over to Sam. He leaned against the wall, touching her arm in the process. She looked up at him.
"Carter, Hammond wants us in his office when we come back from good old Doc."
"Are we in trouble, Sir?"
"Should we be?"
"I don't think so."
"Well Carter, to be honest, I don't know."
Jack grinned at her. She looked back at him, the magic broken by the elevator coming to a sudden halt, throwing her on the floor in the process. Jack kneeled down next to her.
"Are you okay?"
"I think so. What happened?"
"Um... I think we're stuck."
"Great"
End Part 1.
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